Divorce is difficult no matter the circumstances. Feelings of guilt, anger, and worry are all normal while grieving the loss of a relationship. Divorce is also overwhelming and traumatic to children, too. There are ways to help your children through divorce so they can grieve what they’ve lost and eventually look forward to and enjoy their new normal. While the grieving process is different for every child, it’s important to know how to help your child through divorce.
1. Your Child is Not to Blame
Children, especially younger kids, may blame themselves for their parent’s divorce. Young kids see the world through their eyes only and can’t see any other perspective. As is often the case, the child will blame him or herself for the relationship falling apart.
It is important to help your child through the divorce by explaining (repeatedly) they are not to blame. Your child’s age will dictate how you explain, but be honest (in an age appropriate way). Young children won’t be able to take in everything and will need continued help understanding the situation.
2. Help Your Child Name Their Feelings
In therapy I make sure to let my clients know that their feelings, ALL of their feelings, matter. Your child may be experiencing so many different feelings at one time that it feels very overwhelming. Help your child to name his/her feelings. Naming feelings, especially in younger children, can help to verbalize the emotions inside.
Let your child know that they can talk to you about their feelings and that they are entitled to all of their feelings. You may be able to help your child talk about his or her feelings by expressing your own (in an age appropriate manner).
3. Keep Routines
Children thrive with routine and divorce can easily upend routines and throw consistency into chaos.
Do your best to maintain routines, or create new routines to help your child adjust to this new norm. If you have to create new routines, make sure to talk with your child so they understand the change and what’s now expected of him/her. Depending on your child’s age, it may help to write down, or draw out, your routines. If your child is going between 2 (or more) houses, write down or draw out the routines at each house so he/she doesn’t have to remember new routines all at once. Try to have both parents involved in creating the routines so everyone is on the same page.
Consistency is helpful. If Mom has always picked the child up from school, can this routine stay intact? Try to see the routines from your child’s perspective, and not from a view of “I’m not helping my ex by picking up on his day”.
4. Co-Parent
Maintain your roles as parents. While your marriage failed, you will always have a child (or children) together. Don’t let the bitterness of a “bad” spouse damage the relationship your child has with his/her parent (unless there are extenuating circumstances in which it is better to limit or remove one parent, such as abuse).
Your child wants to know that they still have 2 parents that love them. Reinforce they are loved by both parents and that nothing will ever change their love.
Co-parenting is best done when the child’s needs are put before any hurt feelings or blame. Don’t limit phone time or parental access because it’s “not his/her time”. If your child wants to call Dad but is with Mom, let your child call Dad! Don’t put any added stress on your child by restricting access to either parent.
When your child wants to talk to the other parent, it does not mean he/she wants or loves you any less. Your child is trying to make sure he/she can still have both parents even if you aren’t living together. Help make this possible!
5. A New Normal
It may be difficult to see, but a new normal will develop over time. Help your child to understand that things will be okay. Reinforce that your child is still loved by both parents.
Help your child have some “wins”. Let him/her enjoy having 2 Christmas trees, or 2 birthday parties. Let your child know it’s okay to like Mom or Dad’s new boyfriend/girlfriend (no matter how hard it may be for you). Encourage your child to enjoy the additional outings and one on one time he/she gets now that life is different. It may be different, but it will be okay.
Divorce is Hard on Everyone
Divorce is hard on everyone involved and helping your child through the divorce will take time. Help your child through the divorce without harming their relationship with the other parent.
It can be very difficult for parents in a bitter divorce to separate their hurt from their child’s hurt. Your child is not responsible for the divorce and is not responsible for the choices of either parent. Don’t speak negatively about the other parent in front of the child. If you are fighting with your ex-spouse, make sure your child is not on either end, listening to the conversation.
Your Child is Not a Messenger
In a volatile divorce, parents often find it difficult to have even the simplest of conversations. Whatever discourse there may be, do not use your child to relay messages, no matter how benign it may seem.
Your child is not a messenger. To help your child through divorce, do not put him/her in the middle of any discussion. Conflict creates anxiety. Do not add your relationship conflict to your child’s anxiety.
Your Child After Divorce
While life will not be the same ever again, you and your child will find a new normal. You will both grieve your losses and can learn to live a happy life with your new normal.
If your child is having a difficult time, please consider child therapy. Everyone has their own way of handling divorce, grief, and loss. Grieving can be a very painful process. Therapy can help.
Child Divorce Therapist, Washington, PA
Child therapy can help your child work through his/her pain. In therapy, we can help your child to maintain the relationships with those that love him/her. Allowing your child a safe place to feel his/her feelings and express them does help.
In life, and especially after a loss, it’s important to take care of yourself. If you or your child is experiencing profound grief, we are here for you both. Please don’t hesitate to call us at (724) 503-6670. If you have any questions or would like to get to know us a little better, you can also email us at admin@inthenowcounseling.org. You can also reach us on Facebook as well as Instagram.
