Do you keep a mental tab of all the ways you have given in your relationship? When you focus on what you’ve given, you miss seeing what your partner has contributed to the relationship. This can quickly lead to anger, bitterness, and resentment. If you stop keeping score in your relationship, you may find yourself in a healthier and happier one.
When you think in terms of “I am always the one to do the dishes” you miss seeing what your partner has contributed to the relationship. Maybe you always do the dishes, but maybe he/she always takes the kids to daycare. You don’t want to miss seeing your partner because you’re too busy only seeing what you’ve given.
Stop Defending and Listen
When your partner tells you what you haven’t done, or tells you what he/she has done, you may find it necessary to argue back with all the things you’ve actually done and he/she hasn’t. You need to stop the cycle of keeping score in your relationship.
It is natural for many of us to automatically begin forming a defense in our head while someone is still talking. Being a good listener is an art from that takes practice – – but the work pays off.
When your partner tells you what you didn’t do, resist the natural inclination to retort. Instead, listen to what your partner is telling you. If he/she feels you’ve been lacking in some way, listen and take ownership of how your actions have played a role. There may be some truth in what he/she is saying. Own your mistakes and apologize.
When we feel heard, it feels less necessary to point out another’s mistakes.
Stop Keeping Score | Show Appreciation in Your Relationship
Expressing gratitude in your relationship can change your entire perspective. When we remember to appreciate those we care about, we feel better about the relationship as a whole.
Keeping score in a relationship puts too much focus on what you’ve given and emphasizes where your partner is lacking.
When we focus on our partners weaknesses, we fail to see their strengths. If we only see how he/she never puts the kids to bed, we fail to see how he/she gets up with them every morning.
If you find it difficult to stop keeping score in your relationship, try balancing the score with something your partner does do.
The more you give in your relationship, the more your partner should want to give as well.
When both partners in a relationship stop keeping score and focus on giving naturally, without strings attached, you will find it leads to a healthy, happy and loving relationship.
Relationship Counseling in Washington, PA
Learning better ways to communicate is always effective. And marriage/couples counseling is a great place to start.
While couples counseling is extremely helpful when both partners are willing to go, it is not the only way to help your relationship. Individual therapy can help work on ways to improve your communication so you are heard, understood, and subsequently, help you feel empowered.
The sooner you receive help, the sooner you will start to feel heard and understood.
If you have any questions or would like to get to know us a little better, please call (724) 503-6670 or email us at admin@inthenowcounseling.org.
