Arguments aren’t something to be feared or avoided. They are opportunities to express your feelings and view your relationship from your partner’s perspective. Because our goals and beliefs are never 100% in line with another, conflicts are bound to arise. What makes the difference in a healthy relationship is knowing how to argue.
A successful argument can find a solution to an issue. Imagine this – – You and your spouse disagree on something. After you argue where you both share your feelings and listen to your partner’s feelings, you come up with a solution that fits both your needs. In a healthy relationship with positive and respectful communication, that’s what an argument looks like.
How to Argue
1. Start with “I”
We have all done it. We are mad at something our partner has done and we place all the blame on them by saying “You don’t listen” or “You spent too much money” or “You don’t care how I feel”.
When we make “You” statements (sentences that start with “you”) we are making our partner responsible for our feelings.
Instead, try to focus on how you feel. Start with an “I” message. Instead of “You don’t listen”, try something like “I feel disrespected when you don’t give me your attention.” By making this slight change, you are taking responsibility for your feelings by saying “I”.
Our partners are more inclined to listen when they don’t feel the need to defend themselves after a “You” message.
2. Focus on the Present Issue
Think about what you really want and need – – in this argument. Arguments are usually a result of wanting something you’re not getting – – attention, respect, time, something.
This current argument needs to remain about the issue at hand. Not a past issue that didn’t get resolved. Or a past issue that did get resolved. Past unresolved issues need to be addressed, but this current argument isn’t the time. Stay on course and don’t generalize. Refrain from using terms like “always” or “never”.
It helps to speak about what you want, as opposed to what you don’t want. Instead of “You never help put the kids to bed”, try “I would appreciate help at night putting the kids to bed”. Once you are both on the same page of understanding, you could come up with a new plan for bedtime routines.
3. Listen When You Argue
An argument is a result of two people caring about something. You each have a point of view and want to be heard. In a healthy relationship with mutual respect, both partners need to take a step back and really listen. Your partner has needs just like you. Listen to what he/she is saying and hopefully he/she will do the same in return.
A good listener will repeat back what he/she heard so that you are both clear on the present situation. If you feel a certain way, make sure to be specific and name your feelings! It’s perfectly fine to say “I feel angry” or “I feel frustrated, exhausted, or unappreciated”.
Your feelings matter. They should matter to your partner, too. So share them!
4. No one ‘Wins’
There are no winners when we argue. You shouldn’t come at your partner with unrelenting tirades so that he/she will acquiesce. That is not winning. That is neither love nor respect.
Instead of looking at an argument ending with a ‘winner’ or ‘loser’, think of an argument as communication designed to problem-solve. It’s communicating topics where two people feel strongly in their opinions.
The argument is not the end. There is a need that needs to be addressed and you talk about it so that you can improve your relationship.
5. Argue, Don’t Yell
It’s okay to be angry. Anger is a natural human emotion. Yelling is a behavior that is not acceptable in an argument, or in any healthy form of communication.
If you are prone to yelling when you’re upset/angry/frustrated, you may find it helpful to force yourself to whisper, instead. When we lower our voices and control our volume, we naturally slow down and slow our breathing. Taking a few moments before speaking is always a welcomed idea. If you feel the volume rising, just stop. Stop talking. Wait and breathe. When you feel yourself more relaxed, keep your volume low and begin speaking again.
It may take time, but like any skill, with practice you can improve. Learning to improve your communication skills is beneficial in every relationship.
Couples Counseling in Canonsburg
Our goals and beliefs will never be 100% shared with another person. We can’t force our views on another. We only have control over ourselves. Conflict is inevitable and you will argue. And that’s okay! As you learn better ways to communicate, you’ll learn that an argument is really just problem-solving.
If you struggle to share your feelings in your relationship, or if your emotions aren’t received well by your partner, you may want to contact a therapist for couples counseling and/or individual counseling.
If you have any questions or would like to get to know us a little better, please call (724) 503-6670 or email us at admin@inthenowcounseling.org.
