While many parents loathe temper tantrums, they are in fact completely typical behavior in kids under 6 years of age. Small kids carry big emotions and as they don’t yet have the vocabulary to express their emotions, those big emotions come out in the form of tantrums. However, there some ways to help reduce temper tantrums in kids
It’s important to clarify that temper tantrums in kids are real emotions. The tantrum is a response to a limit that has been imposed. It is real distress. While the situation may seem trivial to an adult, toddlers truly feel they are owed time at the park, unlimited cookies, or playing in the snow without gloves.
The anger / frustration they feel in the heat of a tantrum is quite real. Most of the time it is not a manipulation.
4 Steps to Reduce Temper Tantrums in Kids
1. Stay Calm
Like we talked about last week when helping your child through a meltdown, the first step is to stay calm. Your child needs a calm adult. Check in with yourself. Breathe and calm yourself, first.
2. Acknowledge Their Feelings
Try to acknowledge your child’s feelings by knowing his/her trigger points. If you know leaving the park usually leads to a tantrum, plan for it. Say something like “I know you’re having fun at the park. It’s hard to the leave when we are having fun. We are going to leave in 5 minutes”. You can give a 2 minute warning and then an additional “One more ride” warning. Letting him/her know what’s coming. Respecting their feelings can help to reduce temper tantrums in kids.
3. Plan for Sleep and Hunger
So many temper tantrums are a result of tired and/or hungry kids. The term “hangry” (hungry and angry) is coined for adults as it happens to all of us! No one performs at peak when tired and hungry. And small annoyances grow in scale when we are short on sleep and food.
Plan for this by making sure your child gets the proper amount of sleep at night and naps during the day for his/her age. A great book for sleep is Good Night, Sleep Tight. This book lets you know exactly how much rest your child needs from birth to 5 years old.
If you know you are going to be out, plan for meals and snacks. Also, have meals/snacks at the ready when you return home. If you’ve moving all day, odds are that you, too, will be tired and hungry and it is that much more difficult to handle a temper tantrum when you are facing your own hanger.
4. Give Them Power
It can be easy to think that kids get to do whatever they want all day long. But that isn’t really the case. We tell them when to wake, sleep, eat, dress, bathe, and use the toilet. We tell them not touch that, or be quiet, and we can tell them “no” more than we say “yes”.
You can avoid some tantrums by avoiding power struggles. Give your child choices. Give him/her a voice. And try to avoid saying “no” every time.
You can help give your child power by allowing them to pick their own clothes. As long as it’s weather appropriate, does it really matter if it doesn’t match? Let them express themselves with their clothing!
You can give them power by letting your child pick their cups, or putting their shoes on by themselves. If it takes 10 extra minutes, then start that process earlier.
If you know you’re going to a park or have time for something “fun”, let your child pick the activity. Let them pick between parks, library, walk, etc. Give your child a voice. It will help them feel heard, loved and respected. And what a good message that sends for later in life.
We often say ‘No’ to our children because we’ve set boundaries – – and that’s great. But by changing how you say it, your child will feel more empowered. Instead saying “No you can’t have a cookie for breakfast” try saying something like “After a nutritious lunch you can have a cookie”. If he/she wants to go to the park, instead of “No” you could try “We are busy today. Let’s try tomorrow”.
These won’t work every time, but with consistency your child will feel heard and valued and less likely to have a tantrum when he/she is met with a limit.
How to Help Your Child During a Temper Tantrum
The tips above are a great way to help reduce temper tantrums in kids. It won’t eliminate them as tantrums are a result of not getting what we want. And in little kids, those feelings can come out in big ways. It will take consistency in setting boundaries before your child understands they can’t always have what they want. Some adults still haven’t mastered that concept. It takes time.
When your child does have a tantrum, be close to them during the tantrum. When your child is in full tantrum mode, his ability to rationalize has been shut off. Just let him/her cry it out. Stay close for safety. Be a reassuring presence.
Some children may want a gentle hand on their back or shoulder while other children will not want touched at all. Just be close and calm.
If you are out shopping or crossing a road, you can scoop your child up and take him/her (while screaming) to a safe, calm place like your car. If he/she is hitting/swatting, say “No hitting. I know you’re angry. You can cry. You may not hit”. Stay in the car with your child until the tantrum is over.
When the tantrum is over, hold your child if they want it. This may be the time they want hugs. Then, once they are calm, paraphrase what happened…”We were crossing the road and you wanted to look at the penny in the road. I said ‘Keep walking. There is a car coming.’ You got angry and frustrated and started crying and dropped to the ground. I picked you up for safety and brought you to the car to cry.”
When you stick to the facts of what happened, it can help your child learn about reflection. When we look back at our actions, we can improve them in the future.
Therapy for Kids in Canonsburg, PA
Preventing temper tantrums is the best solution. But not all tantrums can be prevented and so you must find your inner calm and be the support your child needs to process those big emotions. While temper tantrums are difficult, your child needs you. And when you are there for him/her in those moments, you are building trust that will help them throughout their life.
If you are worried about your child’s temper tantrums or behavior, please call us at (724) 503-6670 or email us at admin@inthenowcounseling.org.
