A common complaint among parents is “My kids don’t listen”. Parents can spend an astonishing amount of time asking/bribing/cajoling their kids into compliance with little or no success. There are, however, ways to get your kids to listen that don’t involve bribing, yelling or repeat requests.
We aren’t wired to respond on a dime. It takes a moment to register a request and a moment to process what’s being said. Our kids are no different.
Kids need to develop a habit of paying attention as there is a great chance they’ve developed a habit of not listening the first time. If you yell after a few requests, or if you give up and do the thing yourself, you may have unintentionally taught them not to listen to you. But that can be changed.
How to Get Your Kids to Listen the First Time
You can reteach your kids to listen to you the first time. It will take a little bit of time and consistency. However, if they are used to false threats or consequences that never come to pass, you will get some push back. But, with calm, supportive, consistent parenting, your kids will learn to listen.
Make sure they can physically hear you.
If you call you kids from across the house, up the steps, or out the window, that won’t cut it. In order to teach a new behavior, you have to go back to basics.
If your kids are little, get on their level (kneel or sit on the floor) and make eye contact. For older kids, make sure to get eye contact.
If your child is actively engaged in an activity, it may appear as though they are flat out ignoring you even if you are standing right in front of them. They may not be ignoring you on purpose. They may be so engaged in what they’re doing they don’t register your presence. Squat down, gently touch an arm, and make eye contact.
Ask once with eye contact, and wait.
Once you have eye contact, make your request for action, and then wait.
It helps to ask kids for an action instead of asking them to stop an action. Instead of “Stop yelling” try “Please use a calm voice inside”.
Give your child a moment to register the request.
Give a consequence warning if there’s no action.
Be careful of your warnings. Make sure you give fair warnings that you can follow through on.
If you’ve asked your child to pick up her toys and she continues to play, resist saying “If you don’t pick up these toys you’ll never get a new toy again”. Odds are you can’t follow through with that and your child knows it’s not a real warning.
Instead, you could try “You need to pick up your toys or they’ll be no screen time today after school”. If your child still refuses to clean up, make sure you follow through with the consequence and allow no screen time after school.
Learning a New Skill Takes Time
Learning a new skill, and learning to listen is a skill, takes time. Consistency is key here. If your child learned that you’ll ask 2, 3, 4 times, he/she will not listen the first time. If your child has learned that consequences are just empty words, they won’t listen.
Taking a new approach takes time and patience. Your child will learn that their actions and inactions have consequences. You’ll learn when your child can actually hear you. And both take time. Try this calm approach and watch as you and your child start to hear and see each other.
Therapy for Kids in Canonsburg, PA
If you are worried about your child or teen, or if you would like to get to know us a little better, please call us at (724) 503-6670 or email us at admin@inthenowcounseling.org for help.
