Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. It’s subtle at first. You may not have noticed anything for a long while. But if you’re questioning this now, chances are high your husband is gaslighting you.
There is a distinction between an occasional one-off comment and gaslighting. We all have bad days and will on occasion say things we regret. Hopefully, if we are in a healthy, happy relationship, we can address our misstep, make amends, and move on.
Gaslighting is more than just disagreeing. It’s a pattern, subtle at first, and grows until you may be left thinking “Did I not hear that right? Am I starting to lose my mind? Am I wrong to feel this way?”
What are the Signs of Gaslighting?
If your husband is gaslighting you, look for these signs.
Lying and Denial
Lies on top of more lies, even when you can prove the lie.
He will deny doing any wrongdoing, or deny saying what you remember him saying. He may say “That’s not what was said” or “It wasn’t like that at all”.
After hearing the lies and denial, you may start to question your own memory.
Use Your Feelings, Thoughts and Actions Against You
You husband knows what you care about most. He may say you are unfit to care for the kids or tell you that no one will believe you if speak against him.
A classic dismissal of your feelings is “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry you misunderstood what I said”. These aren’t apologies and your husband is acknowledging his behavior or your feelings. He is turning it back on you so you drop the argument.
You may feel like what you do is never enough. You could spend all day cleaning the house and making dinner, but he will be sure to mention that there is a mess in the sink or that dinner wasn’t hot. He will find some way to keep you down.
Projecting
Projecting may be a gaslighting favorite. If you feel your husband is cheating, he will accuse you of the exact behavior as a way to keep you off balance and put you on the defensive. Instead of having a conversation about how you feel, you will be too busy defending you actions.
Isolation
Does your husband tell you how other people view you? Has he ever mentioned how family or friends are embarrassed of you or they question you as a wife and mother?
Isolation is a form of manipulation and abuse that keeps you in check. It makes you question your own sanity and your own value. The people that truly care about you do not feel these things, he is making them up so that you are left relying on his for “support”.
Get Help if Your Husband is Gaslighting You
It’s important to remember these signs of gaslighting have nothing to do with you. You did nothing wrong. You couldn’t have stopped it (without leaving him earlier) and your current arguments and actions won’t change him.
If your husband is gaslighting you, the problem is in him. He needs to seek therapy to work on what is causing this type of behavior.
Addressing gaslighting with him may not help. In fact, it could make the situation worse. It’s important for you to seek help with friends and family you can trust as well as therapy.
Counseling in Canonsburg, PA
If you feel like your husband is gaslighting you, or if you and your husband are having problems, please call us at (724) 503-6670 or email us at admin@inthenowcounseling.org. You can also get to know us better here.
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