The holidays are a time of giving. And couples, especially parents, give and give and give, oftentimes at their own expense. Holidays are hard for couples, but that doesn’t have to be the case.
Couples are inundated with increased expectations around the holidays. They have an increase in extended family expectations to visit with in-laws, aunts/uncles, grandparents, nieces/nephews, not to mention step-families.
Workplace stress does not diminish with the joy of the season. Projects and deadlines are made top priority and work nights can become longer and later than usual. “Voluntary” work functions and parties are added to an already bursting calendar leading to little or no down time to unwind and just be present. You are constantly being rushed to do more, accomplish more, be more productive. Just – more.
Our immediate families demand extra time, money and attention during the holidays, as well. Parties, concerts, carols, and plays all demand a couple’s attention.
And after all of that, couples still have to face the ever increasing financial strain of giving gifts during this season of giving. A couple can have very different opinions about the financial burden/expectation of Christmas. This alone can lead to an increase in stress and tension for couples during the holidays.
It’s no wonder that holidays can be so hard for couples.
As with any relationship struggle, communication will go a long way in easing holiday stress and tension for a couple.
With the increased demands on time, energy, and finances, patience can run very low at the holidays. And when we have a loving, supportive spouse at home, we may take our frustrations and lack of patience out on our partner. This compounds the problem, making the holidays even more stressful and less magical.
Our high expectations for the perfect holiday experience can be annihilated when we are on the receiving end of our partner’s stress.
How can we minimize the stress and frustration couples face during the holidays?
Frustrations are a result of expectations. We have to adjust our expectations to see any real, lasting results.
Talk with your spouse about his/her expectations this holiday season.
Discuss things like:
- How much time will be spent with his/her family and when.
- What are priorities at work that cannot be missed.
- What do you expect from the weekends leading up to Christmas?
- Who is in charge of gifts for parents/in-laws, kids, colleagues, neighbors, etc.
- What do you expect from the kids? Will they be home for certain events, will they bring boyfriend/girlfriend, behavior of the littles, naps/bedtime routines, etc.
- Financial allocation for gifting, entertaining, traveling, etc. How much should you be spending this year?
- What do you expect as far as gift giving and receiving? Do you want to exchange gifts? Do you want to give gifts? Small but meaningful? Or expensive and flashy? What do you each expect?
In the end, the most important thing you can say to your partner to alleviate added stress during the holidays is “This is what I need … “
It isn’t demanding or domineering. It isn’t beating around the bush about what you want. It’s direct and to the point. It gets your point of view out in front of your parter so you can work together to achieve the goals you each set.
In return, your spouse should also say what he/she needs. And together, you need to be willing to compromise so both your needs and desires are met.
When your spouse is stressed, don’t jump in with advice.
We can be so quick to want to “fix” someone else’s problems with well-meaning advice. In a healthy, loving relationship, you need to take a pause and listen.
Empathize with what your spouse is telling you. Be an active listener and be present for support. If you’re unsure if your spouse wants to vent only or would like help, you can ask.
Communication goes a long way.
Don’t forget each other this holiday season.
It can be far too easy to forget about each other during the busy holiday season. But make time for you as a couple.
Create a new holiday tradition for just the two of you, and make sure to do it each year:
- Go out for dinner and a tree lighting.
- Go out for a movie and dessert.
- Go to a tree farm and cut down a tree (even better with coffee/tea/hot chocolate)
- Watch a holiday movie together on the couch with snacks
- Make a favorite holiday dish from each of your childhoods, together.
- Make a point to tell your partner that you appreciate him/her and why
- Be present and attentive to your partner
The holidays can be full joy or sadness. And sometimes both. But if we lean on and support each other, we can find joy this holiday season.
Couples Therapy in Canonsburg, PA
Whether you’re dating, engaged, or married, couples therapy can help you find ways to listen better, resolve conflict and help you feel closer to your partner again.
If you have any questions or would like to get to know us a little better, please call (724) 503-6670 or email us at admin@inthenowcounseling.org.
