After planning, shopping, spending, wrapping, and giving, parents can be left with a screaming, belligerent child who did not get the “right” gift. Many parents are left feeling horrified by their child’s reaction. It’s not uncommon to think Where did I go wrong?. Do you wonder if your kids are ungrateful at Christmas?
A child’s behavior is a result of their emotional state. Big holidays can leave children being utterly exhausted and overwhelmed. Even happy, exciting days can lead to overwhelm and exhaustion. It’s no wonder, really, why so many kids will have major meltdowns on holidays.
Meltdowns Over the “Wrong” Gift
When our kids have meltdowns over gifts, we tend to get angry over their “ungrateful” behavior. But are they really ungrateful? Or, are they disappointed?
When we focus on “ungrateful” , we lose focus on our child’s emotional state. More than likely the child is feeling incredibly disappointed. Unfortunately, frustrations and disappointments are a part of gift giving and receiving.
Why are Kids Ungrateful at Christmas?
There is a lot of hype leading up to big holidays like Christmas. As parents, we too play into this hype. We talk about what Santa may be bringing, we ask other children what they want for Christmas, and we work and prepare weeks in advance to give our kids the magic of the “big” day.
Reality, however, rarely reaches the height of our expectations, and our children experience that same fall. They have grand plans for the gifts laid out before them. And whether they get “the” gift (that gift that they had pined for) the anticipation of it still may not hold up to actually receiving it.
In the end, children feel let down and exhausted. Many adults, too, feel let down and exhausted after the holidays.
You may be asking, Then what’s the answer? If my kids act ungrateful at Christmas, how can I help?. Well, if you have been around here a while you know that feelings are always okay. And disappointment is a feeling. It’s okay for your child to feel disappointed over a gift he/she receives. You can’t control their disappointment. You can, however, prepare their response to disappointment in advance.
Preparing your Child in Advance
While we can’t control everything, we can help in some areas. Disappointment is natural in life. It happens. But we can help our kids process their emotions, name them, and respond with healthy behavior.
Get them involved in giving.
If you’re trying to teach your child about giving, let them help give. Let your children help bake for neighbors/family/friends, donate time to help others, plan and shop for gifts, and wrap presents. Let your child work around the house to earn money to buy gifts for others.
When we understand the work that goes into a special moment, we are more likely to appreciate that moment. And the same is true for children. Let them be a part of making the day special, not just the recipient of that special day.
Discuss disappointing gifts.
Talk to your kids in advance of Christmas about receiving disappointing gifts. Share some of your own stories about times when you were excited about a gift and were left feeling extremely disappointed.
Discuss the importance of being gracious when you receive a gift that you don’t like. It’s not about the gift itself. It’s about the person that thought of you when getting you a gift. Discuss the importance of not hurting someone’s feelings over a gift we don’t like/want/need/love.
Discuss how they should handle gifts they don’t want.
If your child opens a gift they are truly unhappy with, what should they do? Prior to the event, help them come up with solutions to handle their response.
Maybe they tell you in private they don’t like the gift.
Practice an automatic “Thank you so much for this gift” response.
Role play receiving disappointing gifts.
In the weeks leading up to Christmas, play a game of “What should you say?”. Shout out a “terrible” gift and have your child pretend that’s what he/she opened on Christmas morning. What should he/she say?
Make it fun and work through together how your child should respond to gifts from family and friends.
This isn’t something you have to sit down and be serious with. Call out silly gifts while going to school drop off, or sitting in traffic. Say “You just opened 1 dirty shoe from your grandparents. What do you say?!” Keep it light and have fun.
You know your child. If he/she can come up with something quickly like “You know I love shoes. Thanks Grandpa!” then work with that. If that doesn’t seem possible, maybe an automatic “Thanks so much Grandpa!” will suffice.
Let your child come up with “terrible” gifts for you, too. You can learn from each other and you may have some fun, as well. With most things, repetition is key. So keep working on it.
Expectations are rarely met in reality.
Reality rarely lives up to the hype of our expectations.
Knowing this, try to build up other parts of the holiday. Focus on giving, baking, holiday movies, etc. Put less focus on receiving gifts so that the expectation isn’t overly heightened going into it.
Give Your Kids, and You, Grace
We try our best as parents and don’t always get it right. We will never always get it right.
It’s okay if it’s not perfect. Be kind to yourself. Enjoy the holiday with your family.
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Are you concerned about your child or teen’s behavior? If you have concerns over your child’s stress, depression, or anxiety, or if you would like to get to know us a little better, please call us at (724) 503-6670 or email us at admin@inthenowcounseling.org for help.
