How To Be A Good Listener

We all have a basic need to be heard, whether in business, with friends, or in romanic relationships. It’s natural to want to feel important, especially to those we care about. Listening is a skill that isn’t second nature to most. Learning how to be a good listener is an important skill to learn as it can lead to better, more fulfilling relationships.

Listening is an active skill. Being a good listener isn’t sitting quietly while waiting for your turn to speak. The goal of listening is to understand. We should listen to truly hear what the speaker is saying. It isn’t about forming our reply or countering what is being said. Listening without getting defensive doesn’t always come easy. It’s a skill to be practiced and learned.

Think about the last conversation you had with your spouse. Do you remember what he/she said? What about what you said? Can you recall the point your spouse was making? Or is easier to remember the point you were making?

A Good Listener is More Than Silent

Maybe you think you are already a great listener. You stay silent until it’s your turn to speak, so that should be enough, right? Being a good listener is more than just being silent.

While silence is important to allow the person a chance to explain, vent, talk or expand on their thoughts, your silence should be active listening and understanding. It’s important to remember that you are listening to hear the meaning of what the person is conveying. Don’t listen with the intention to reply.

You want to listen to understand from their perspective. You are hearing the meaning of their words without judgement. It isn’t always easy. Your thoughts may drift to how you should respond. But avoid this. If you begin forming your own responses, you are missing what’s being said.

Don’t interrupt while someone is speaking. Allow for silence. Allow a few seconds to pass before you speak. Silence is okay in a conversation. It conveys that you were listening.

A Good Listener isn’t Defensive

In relationships, it’s all too common that we listen simply to reply with a counter argument. It’s natural for many of us to think “How do I prove him/her wrong?”. When we are defensive, we miss the point our partner is trying to make. Try to listen and understand from their point of view.

Maybe you’re not being blamed or there is nothing to “fix”. Oftentimes we just need to be heard and that’s enough. In a relationship, it’s not uncommon to feel the need to vent and know your partner is there for you…to listen without judgement.

If blame is cast in your direction, it’s just as important to listen to understand (not form a reply). You’ll have your chance to talk. It’s okay to ask questions when you don’t understand. It’s important, though, that you ask questions without getting defensive.

Listening can help in many positive ways. Learning to be a good listener can give us even greater meaning and strength in our relationships.

Couples Therapy in Washington, PA

Whether you’re dating, engaged, or married, couples therapy can help you find ways to listen better, resolve conflict and help you feel closer to your partner again.

If you have any questions or would like to get to know us a little better, please call (724) 503-6670 or email us at admin@inthenowcounseling.org. You can also talk to us on Facebook and Instagram, too.