I’ve written previously about postpartum depression and about being overwhelmed as a mom. These impacted my own life and are a big part of the reason I became a therapist. Surviving the first few months as a new mom isn’t just a title. It’s life with a newborn.
For some lucky moms the first few months of having a baby are blissful, but for others like me, those first months are full of tears, turmoil and questioning why in the world I did this. If you or someone you love is struggling as a new mom, please check this post to see if you or your loved one is struggling with a very treatable condition know as postpartum depression. It’s more common than we realize, and there is no shame in having postpartum depression. Help is available and you can feel better and enjoy your baby.
Societal Pressure when Surviving as a New Mom
We are inundated with social media and in society about what a new mom “looks like”. First, we see bloggers posting images with salon hair and professional makeup holding their 1 hour old babies in the hospital and reading about everything being perfect. I have to say this is a huge disservice to everyone out there, and not just women.
Somehow we’ve gotten so far removed from the reality of having a baby and all that it entails. So please, forget about the “perfect” images. They are more than likely lies. Post delivery you are sleep deprived, food deprived and privacy deprived. You’ve been stretched, cut, ripped, poked, prodded, and had to endure hours of pain. You are not failing as a new mom if you lack make up or the perfect beach waves.
Second, after we feel bad about how we looked post deliver, we notice images of new moms with perfect hair and make up again (obviously), wearing their best skinny jeans while wearing newborns in slings, walking down the perfect streets holding their Starbucks.
Now let’s look at reality. You are bleeding nonstop and can barely get out of bed without tears. Jeans aren’t even on your radar as a consideration and if someone made coffee you’d drink it for the caffeine fix but at no point would you consider getting a picture with it.
And finally, we are told and shown what a joy and blessing a baby is. And while yes, that’s true, we (as women and mothers) aren’t told that it’s okay if we don’t feel joy or blessings when it finally happens.
It’s okay if you don’t feel joy right now. You WILL feel joy again. But right now? Right now you’re going through a lot and it’s okay to feel sad, angry, depressed, or however you’re feeling.
Seek Treatment for Postpartum Depression
If you think you may be experiencing symptoms of postpartum depression, you aren’t alone. Ask for help. Tell your spouse/partner, family or friend. Call your doctor or call a therapist.
Talk therapy is extremely helpful for postpartum depression. How do I know? Aside from being a therapist who specializes in helping women with postpartum depression, I suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of my 2nd child. My family recognized the symptoms – – I wasn’t eating, I could barely feed my son, I had no joy, I couldn’t sleep, I cried all day, I felt worthless and ashamed. I wasn’t surviving as a mom with a newborn. My family took care of my baby and they got me into therapy. After being diagnosed with postpartum depression and receiving treatment, I got better. Later, I bonded with my son. I felt joy and elation after getting the help I needed.
Being a new mom is hard. You don’t have to suffer. Please get help so you can feel better and feel joy again.
Surviving as a New Mom
There are some ways to help get you through these next few months. I think the first 12 weeks are the hardest. After that, it does get better.
Let me tell you, though, that whatever you’re feeling, it’s normal. It’s okay. You don’t have to feel perfect or be perfect. You are doing great just as you are.
1. Take Turns Waking Up
Everyone needs sleep. It doesn’t matter if you have to go into an office the next day or take care of the baby, everyone needs sleep. Take turns feeding the baby at night. If you’re breastfeeding, try to pump so that your spouse can feed a bottle. If that isn’t an option, then have your spouse handle diaper changes and burping. Whatever system you choose, you both need sleep, so both need to help.
2. Simple Self-care
Maintain the basics of self-care while you have a newborn. I’m not talking about going to a spa. Instead, shower, brush your teeth, and get into clean clothes. You don’t need to look social media ready – – just feel clean and refreshed.
3. Get Outside
The days are long and the nights are even longer when you are surviving as mom with a newborn. Get some fresh air, feel the wind and sunshine on your face. You can put the baby in a stroller or use a sling wrap and go on a very slow walk down your street. Or just sit outside your front door for a moment and get some fresh. Fresh air can do amazing things when you’re feeling tired and trapped.
4. Ask and Accept Help
You may not be used to accepting help from other people. Maybe you pride yourself on being capable and not needing anyone else. Now isn’t the time, though. Accept the help. If a trusted neighbor is willing to sit with the baby so you can shower, go shower. Is your mother-in-law over for a visit? Ask if she’s willing to stay for a couple hours so you can nap. If a friend comes for a visit and says “How can I help?”, find something! Ask her to do laundry, dishes, or just stay with the baby so you can get out of the house by yourself, nap, shower, or go for a walk.
You aren’t a failure if you need help. We all need help. Having a baby used to be a community affair. A whole group of women would pitch in to help. Accept the help.
5. Let the Little Things Go
This isn’t the time to worry about keeping up on your email, maintaining a clean kitchen, or scrubbing toilets. Your house will be messy, the laundry will pile up, and your emails will build. It’s okay. When your partner gets home, he/she can do laundry, clean and/or cook. It’s a group effort. Taking care of a newborn is a full-time job. You aren’t on vacation. “Free time” isn’t really a thing. Don’t let your partner, spouse, family or friend tell you otherwise. Taking care of yourself and your baby is a full-time gig. It’s okay that you can’t have dinner on the table or clean laundry folded and put away. Now isn’t the time for a perfect house.
Just Getting Through
Right now you are surviving as a new mom. It’s survival. It’s getting through to the next moment. The next day. The next week. Luckily, it does get easier. You won’t always feel this way. But right now it’s hard. Right now, you don’t have to be alone. Tell the people you love and trust how you feel. Odds are pretty good that if someone else is a mom, she’ll have felt the same way (even if she never spoke a word).
I’m hoping that in years to come we will reduce the stigma on new moms who are “struggling”. Who isn’t struggling in some aspect of their life? Being a new mom is new! And it’s damn hard.
You are doing great!
Surviving as a New Mom | Therapy in Washington, Pa
There is no shame in struggling as a new mom. It is far more common that most people think. There is no perfect formula for surviving as a new mom, but there is help.
You are a great mother and you can, and will, feel like you again. If you or someone you love is having a hard time with being a new mom, please don’t hesitate to call me at (724) 503-6670, or email me at admin@inthenowcounseling.org. As a therapist specializing in helping new mothers, I provide postpartum depression counseling in my office in Washington, PA, as well as online, and I’m happy to talk to you.
You can also reach me on Facebook and Instagram, too.
