Parents sometimes feel as though they aren’t supposed to make mistakes. But that’s not possible. We all make mistakes. Saying “I’m sorry” to our kids is important as it will improve our relationship and restore the bond with your child. Don’t let shame get in the way.
It’s not uncommon for parents to feel as though saying “I’m sorry” for their mistakes will negate their credibility as parents. The exact opposite is true. We want out children to learn from us, both good and bad.
When we make mistakes, when we yell or lose our temper, it’s important for our kids to see us own those mistakes, apologize for them, and improve ourselves going forward. Isn’t that what we want from our kids? We know they are going to make mistakes. When they own those mistakes, does that show weakness? Absolutely not. It shows vulnerability and courage. And the same is true for us, as parents.
Don’t let shame or pride get in the way of building healthy relationships with your children. Saying “I’m sorry” to your kids does not make you weak. It makes you a loving parent and a great role model.
When to say “I’m sorry” to Your Kids
Apologize for the big things as well as the little moments in life. When you make parenting mistakes (we all do!) own them. When we own our mistakes to our children, toddlers to teenagers, we are teaching our children the importance of honesty, integrity and building healthy relationships.
The Little Moments
If you spill your toddlers milk, say something like “Uh oh. I’m sorry I spilled your milk”.
If you forgot to get your teenagers favorite snack at the grocery store you can acknowledge that simple mistake by saying “I forgot! I’m sorry I didn’t get it.”
There is no blame or shame in apologizing. We all make mistakes, both big and little. Acknowledging and apologizing for those mistakes will help your child feel heard, understood, and validated.
The Big Moments
It’s especially important to apologize for big mistakes. When we lose our patience, when we yell, or snap, it’s important to acknowledge where we were wrong and apologize for that behavior.
If you lose your temper and yell at your preschooler for jumping in bed and refusing to sleep, after you’ve calmed, sit down with your child and say something like “I yelled at you for jumping on the bed. I should not have yelled. You didn’t deserve that. I was frustrated and tired and I took it out on you. I’m sorry and I will try to be calmer at bedtime going forward.”
When the big moments happen, it helps to talk out a plan going forward. Involve your child in the solution. You can say “It’s important that you don’t jump in bed at bedtime. How can we work together to help you relax at bedtime and not jump in bed?” Together you can make a plan to move forward and learn from the past mistakes.
How Not to say “I’m Sorry” to Our Kids
Don’t add blame into an apology. If you say “I’m sorry I yelled. You weren’t listening and nothing else would work.” That kind of an “apology” is unhelpful and not a true apology. You can’t say “I’m sorry” while finding fault in your child’s actions.
Don’t apologize for your child’s feelings on a situation. Try to avoid saying “I’m sorry you were upset”. That’s simply not an apology. What you should say is something like “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” Do you see the difference? In the first example you aren’t taking any responsibility for your actions.
Apologies are only as powerful as the actions behind them. If you yell every day and apologize every day, your child will learn that your apology is meaningless as you haven’t taken any action to correct the behavior. Don’t allow an apology to lose its value by not learning from the mistake.
Counseling for Kids and Teens in Canonsburg, PA
It takes a strong person to say “I’m sorry”. Apologizing for our mistakes helps to improve our relationships with our kids and helps us in raising healthier and happier children.
If you are struggling with your child or teen, or if you feel as though your parental bond needs to be restored, there is help. Our therapists Maura Majcher and Ashley Solt have years of experience helping kids and parents alike.
Please call us at (724) 503-6670 or email us at admin@inthenowcounseling.org if you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment.
