Women are kind of awesome. We see what needs to be done, and we do it. Dirty laundry piling up? We throw a load in when we walk past. Dirty bathroom? We wipe it down while the kids are in the tub. Messy house? We clean. On and on this goes. But we don’t have to do it all. Let’s talk about sharing some of those household responsibilities in a relationship so we can get back a little of ourselves.
We Don’t Have To Do It All In A Relationship
There is a problem with being awe-inspiring. It’s exhausting. So many women are doing the vast majority of the household work. I’m talking full-time working women, stay-at-home moms, working moms – – you name it, women are still doing most of it.
I need you to hear me out – – As a woman, as a mother, or as a spouse, it is not solely your responsibility to raise, care for, and maintain your partner, children and home. As a woman, as half of the parenting household, as half of adults in the house, you should be doing about 50%. Do you know who is supposed to pick up the other 50%? Your partner!
Household Responsibilities In A Relationship
Sharing household responsibilities in a relationship is the name of the game to a happier and healthier life.
I know you’re tired. Your partner/spouse comes home tired from work and it’s just easier to put the kids to bed (again) than to ask for help.
I know it seems easier to just do the dinner dishes after you’ve cooked.
You grocery shop because if your husband does it, you’ll just have to spend even more time making him a list.
I know you put everyone ahead of you. And I know, believe me I know, it’s exhausting.
Changing Habits In A Relationship
So we do most of the work. Now what? How do we change it? If you’re reading this and you are newly married, or you’re pregnant, or maybe you’re still dating, great! Start setting your expectations early. Do you both want kids? Talk about how that’s going to work. No kids? Talk about how that’s going to work.
Before Having Kids, Discuss Sharing Household Responsibilities
If you don’t have kids yet, hopefully you’ve discussed if/when you’re going to have them. This conversation, though, is so much more than “How many do you want to have?” or “I want to be married for 2 years before we have kids”.
Work Responsibilities
When you have kids, will you both still work full-time? If so, will the kids be in daycare? Can you afford daycare? Who gets up with the kids at night? Which one of you will get the kids ready for daycare/school in the morning? Who takes the kids to daycare or picks them up? What happens when the kids are sick? Who stays home? Who has their phone accessible all day to take emergency calls from daycare/school (believe me, you’ll get phone calls).
Nighttime Responsibilities
Talk about nightlife (not the fun kind)… How will you handle nighttime feedings of a newborn? Who gets up when the baby cries? Who gets up when there is puke, pee, and/or nightmares?
Household Responsibilities
Talk about home responsibilities … Houses must be cleaned, clothes must be washed, meals must be prepared, shopped for, and cleaned up after. Who takes care of the grass, the garbage, the snow?
All of these are just basic everyday tasks that we all do.
A fatal flaw of “shared responsibility” is one person having all the “inside” chores and one person having all the “outside” chores. Unless you live on a working farm, “inside/outside” is not an equal distribution of household responsibilities.
How to Share Childcare Responsibilities
If you already have kids and you’ve been doing most of the work, it’s time to make a change. How do you change it?
Bedtime Responsibilities
Let’s talk about bedtime first. This may seem like a strange place to start, but it’s a big one. Just imagine a day where 7 PM hits and you’re “off the clock”. Your husband takes the kids upstairs and does the bedtime routine and you do … well, anything. Or nothing. When you share childcare, you gain freedom.
Bedtime is tough. You’re tired. The kids are tired. It’s been a long day. You’re already thinking about what you have to do later that night and tomorrow. Sharing bedtime can happen in a few different ways. First, you can do an equal split. You take a night, he takes a night and you just keep rotating. Or you can share each night. You get the bath and jammies, he gets the stories, bottle, and bed. Then the next night you switch. The trick to making this work is for both parents to do every aspect of bedtime in the week. Neither is doing everything, every night.
I know there will be push back. Your partner may say “They want you at bedtime, not me”. That may be accurate, but that just means he has to work a little harder to forge a bond with his children. Why do they want you more? Because you’ve been there more. Now is the time to change.
He may say “I worked all day. I’m exhausted. I haven’t sat down”. You can say “I’ve worked all day. I’m exhausted. I haven’t sat down. I put them to bed last night. You’re up tonight.” Make a plan that works for both of you. Put it on your calendars so there is no question about whose turn it is when bedtime rolls around. It may sound extreme, but there is freedom in knowing when it’s your turn for an easy night.
Sharing Nighttime Responsibilities
What about nighttime child care? This is another area where having a plan ahead of time can make for a great equalizer. If you have a newborn, I highly suggest planning out the night feedings before nighttime. Are you nursing? Can you have your spouse give 1 bottle so you can get some rest? Maybe your spouse burps and changes diapers and you nurse.
If you’re bottle feeding, set a schedule so that you can both get sleep. If your baby is eating at 10 PM, 2 AM, and 6 AM, you go to bed after the dinnertime bottle and have your spouse take the 10 PM bottle. That way you can sleep from about 8 PM to 2 AM, and your spouse can sleep from 11 PM until he gets up for work. Map out a plan that you can both agree to, where you both get sleep.
If you have toddlers or older kids who don’t get up every night, set a plan ahead of time for who gets up. You get the first wake up, he gets the second. If your toddler is crying at midnight, you get up and rock her. If your preschooler pees the bed at 2 AM, he is on clean up. The next night, he gets up first. Make a plan. Make it equal. You both need sleep. You both need down time. If you share the work, the workload lightens.
Sharing Mealtime Responsibilities
Is there a cook in the family? If one of you prefers to cook every night, great! While one parent is preparing dinner, the other parent is on childcare…homework for school aged kids, playing with the toddler, giving the baby a bottle … basically just keeping the kitchen free and clear of demanding little ones so that everyone can sit down and eat.
Do you have a plan for dinner clean up? You should! Some people like to follow a “you cook, I clean” approach. If that works, great. Or maybe the cook likes to clean or is just plain messy and should clean up. Whoever is doing the dishes is responsible for the kitchen and dishes. The other parent is back to playing / talking / bathing / homework / next day prep with the kids. That’s teamwork.
Are you noticing a trend? Think of it this way – – there are very few times where one partner is kicked back on the couch and the other is doing everything (except when you each take nightly bedtime turns….that’s glorious).
Sharing Your Life, Sharing Your Work, Sharing Your Household Responsibilities in a Relationship
Marriage is hard work. Raising children is hard work. Hard work is always easier when it’s shared with another. Talk to your spouse/partner and make a plan. When you are both in the home, you are both responsible for the caring, raising, and well-being of the children and maintaining a household.
I think sometimes we get caught up on He works all day or I’m the stay at home mom or some type of role we’ve imposed on ourselves or our spouse. The truth is, it really doesn’t matter. If the kids are up, the parents, both parents, are on the clock. You agreed to spend your lives together, now you need to share responsibilities together.
Relationship Therapy
Change is never a simple flip of the switch. It may take some time. Possibly many conversations. It may take opening up about how you feel. How you truly feel. I urge you to start this conversation. I implore you to take those first steps and talk about your needs. Talk about how you, as a couple, can work together to care for and raise your children and care for your household.
My goal is to help women and mothers learn to be better communicators, ask for help, and set healthy boundaries with their families. You can divide and share childcare and household responsibilities and make time for you again.
I hope you have found some inspiration here today. I hope you feel empowered to ask for the help you both need and deserve.
If we can ease our workloads by sharing responsibilities, we can have time to care for ourselves and enjoy being loving women, moms and partners again.
If you’ve considered relationship therapy or would like to get to know us a little better, please call (724) 503-6670 or email us at admin@inthenowcounseling.org. You can also reach us on Facebook and Instagram, too.
