Many of us, kids included, don’t respond well to punishment. Kids and adults alike can feel sorry for ourselves for being punished, and skip right over being sorry about our actions. This is the simple reason punishment doesn’t really work. Of course we need consequences for our actions, but there are better ways to get kids to listen and follow rules and manners that don’t involve punishment.
4 Steps For Building Your Child’s Character
1. Do-Overs
When our kids act out or speak in a manner we don’t allow, we can ask for a do-over. If your child says “Give me that cup”, you can ask for them to try it again, or do it over. If we can give children the chance to make the correction, it may help them to auto-correct in the future.
2. Go Beyond “I’m Sorry”
Many of us have gotten into the habit of saying “Say you’re sorry”. But what if your child isn’t sorry? Or what if he/she is too upset or emotional to feel sorry now, but will feel apologetic when the situation calms down?
We want to help build our child’s character through truth in action. Saying the words isn’t the same as feeling the words. I’m not saying kids shouldn’t say “I’m sorry” when they’ve made a mistake, but let’s take it a step further. If your child hits his/her sister, help them to show their remorse. Maybe he/she can sit on the floor and play with their sister for a few extra minutes and apologize.
3. Input from your Child about Consequences that Work
Our actions have consequences. It’s important to focus on the consequences versus punishment. Some consequences are natural. Failing a class in school? You aren’t allowed to participate in after-school sports.
There are times when we as parents decide the consequences. And oftentimes they don’t work. If you are finding that your consequences aren’t working, it may be that your child doesn’t feel they are fair or valid. The great solution is to get input from your child about what would be a fair consequence.
If your child isn’t cleaning their room, you can sit down together and talk about what he/she feels would be a good consequence for not cleaning their room. If you can come to an agreement on the consequence, there is a better chance your child will listen because they, in fact, created the consequence.
4. Look at the Situation, Not Just the Behavior
It can be simple to look at our children’s behavior and want to correct it immediately. Sometimes if we take a moment, take a step back, and look at the big picture, we may see something different.
If your teen is cranky/mouthy, did something happen at school? Did your preschooler miss his/her nap and is now in full overtired/meltdown mode? Has your child been staring at a screen for 3 hours and is now miserable? Is your child tired, hungry, overstimulated or anxious?
While actions should have consequences, it can help to look at the big picture. If your child is tired and mouthy, you can say “I know you’re tired but I won’t allow anyone to speak to me that way.” Acknowledge the situation and add the consequence – – “When you can speak kindly, I am happy to continue this conversation”.
A Code of Behavior
Discipline, or a code of behavior, is a far better approach than punishment. Encouraging healthy behavior builds self-esteem and helps children to develop their character in positive ways. When we allow our kids to have a voice they are more willing to improve their own behavior and view the situation as just and fair.
When punishment doesn’t really work, look to building character. Let your child have a voice. Model the behavior you want to see. What you see may surprise you.
Therapy for Kids and Teens | Therapy in Washington, PA
If you are experiencing a difficult time with your child or teen, you may want to consider therapy. If punishment doesn’t work in your family, therapy can be extremely effective for children and families experiencing behavioral or relational challenges. Changes in family structure can contribute to change in behavior in the child.
Take the first step to get help for you and your child. Please call us at (724) 503-6670 or email us admin@inthenowcounseling.org if you have any questions or would like to get to know us a little better.
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