Relationship Counseling In Washington, PA
We all have needs in life – – some are basic, some are complex, and some are a bit more specific to each of us. Having needs is not being “needy”. Having needs means you’re human. And it’s important to know how to make your needs known for a healthy, happy relationship.
Do You Put Others First?
It’s common for many women, especially mothers, to make sure everyone’s needs are met. You may put the needs of your spouse, colleagues, kids, etc., in front of you own. But what happens when your needs go unmet?
When your needs aren’t met, you can end up feeling bitter, angry or even resentful. What starts out as happily taking care of others can end in bitter resentment.
Self-Care Is Not Selfish
I may sound like a broken record on this point, but I’ll never stop saying it. Self-care is not selfish. Self-care is about taking care of YOU. After all, how can you take care of others when you yourself are mentally and/or physically run down?
When you know how to make your needs known, self-care becomes a natural part of your day and of your life. When your mind and body and well cared for, you can, in turn, care for others.
You Have To Make Your Needs Known In A Healthy Relationship
It can be easy to think your partner should just know what you want or what you need. But that’s not the case. If you feel your needs aren’t being met or if you feel rundown, take a moment to step back and think about your situation. Have you told your partner how you feel? Have you had an open conversation about what you need?
Having your needs known in a healthy relationship is about open communication and talking about your feelings. This is not a confrontational argument. We aren’t talking about placing blame for actions or failures.
If you tend to back away from conflict, you’re not alone. However, making your needs known does not have to be a dispute in your relationship. Making your needs known is about effectively communicating the situation, how you feel about it, and what you would like to change.
1) Explain the Situation
It may seem like saying “I’m tired” is enough of a prompt to have your partner pick up groceries, do the dishes, put the kids to bed, and/or run the vacuum. Unfortunately, that’s not the case for most of us.
When trying to make your needs known, be specific and explain the situation without opinion or blame. Instead of saying “I’m exhausted because I do everything in this house and you do nothing” try saying “There is a lot of housework”.
2) Explain Your Feelings
Talking about your feelings may seem difficult. Or, it can be really easy to just unload on your partner. It’s important in every relationship to understand and share your feelings without blame. It’s important to maintain “I” feelings, instead of “you”. Instead of “You make a mess everywhere and never clean up after yourself” try something like “I feel stressed when the kitchen is full of dirty dishes.”
By stating your feelings that the “mess” is the problem, you’re eliminating the finger pointing behavior of “you make a mess”, for example.
3) Request a Change
This is where the action happens. This is what you are asking for. It’s at this point where you are trying to have your needs met. You’ve explained the problem and how it feels to you, and now you are looking for the solution. How do you do it?
In the example above, we are aiming for a cleaner house. We know we can’t say “Don’t be such a pig.” and equally, we can’t keep cleaning it up ourselves.
To enact a real change, to make your needs met, how about saying something like “I would really appreciate it if you could clear the table and clean up the kitchen after we eat”. It’s simple and to the point. There is no blame. No negative emotions. It is simply a request for help. It’s a request for change. It is making your needs known to your partner and asking to have them met.
Ask For What You Want In A Relationship
How we speak to one another is so important. Kind words can lift us up and harsh words can easily tear us down. A positive request can make a lasting change, whereas a negative request can lead to arguments and more problems.
It’s helpful to say what we want instead of what we don’t want. For example, “I’d love it if you did the dishes tonight” is very specific of what you want, versus “I’d love it if you didn’t lay on the couch tonight.” With which one would you likely respond better? I think most of us would be insulted hearing the couch request and thereby less willing to help.
It is so important to make your needs known, and what’s equally important is how you say it.
Your Value Is Known In A Healthy Relationship
In every relationship, balance is key. No one person should shoulder all the responsibility.
While it’s important to make sure your needs are known, it’s just as important to value your partner and his/her needs, as well. Make sure to value what your partner brings to the relationship. Make sure he or she knows that you appreciate their work, whether it’s at their job, in the house, doing the dishes, shoveling the driveway, etc. When we feel valued, we feel better about ourselves and what we do. We work harder. And we try harder.
When we feel valued, we are generally more willing to agree to requests and changes in our daily lives.
Your Needs In A Healthy Relationship
We all have needs. Sometimes we are capable of fulfilling our own needs – – “I am too tired to cook so I am picking up dinner on my way home”. But sometimes we need help from our partner – – “I am too tired to cook tonight. Can you pick up dinner on your way home?” In a healthy relationship, that give and take is understood and appreciated. If you have been putting others needs before your own, it’s time start speaking up.
Making your needs known in your marriage / relationship is not being selfish or needy. Letting your partner know your needs and working together is what makes for a strong, long lasting relationship. No one can do it all. No one should do it all. Your needs matter in every relationship.
Couples Counseling In Washington, PA
Learning better ways to communicate is always effective. As therapists specializing in couples counseling, we understand the importance of communication in healthy relationships. If you think your relationship could use help or if you have any questions, please call (724) 503-6670 or email us at admin@inthenowcounseling.org. You can also get to know us a little better and reach out to us on Facebook and Instagram, too.
