So many couples follow a similar path of dating, engaged, married, and then kids. But is it the right path for everyone? And was it ever discussed in an open conversation? If you are considering having kids, there are a several conversations you may want to have with yourself, and your spouse / partner, before having kids. Let’s look at what discussions are truly important before having kids.
Your Partner’s Feelings Matter
The first thing to keep in mind is your spouse’s feelings. Truly hear what he/she is saying. The topic of having kids is not just a “one and done” conversation. This is quite possibly one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make. This type of topic should happen over time. You should have many small, open, relaxing discussions about how each of you feel.
There a many different topics to address when deciding if you should have kids. Each topic should be discussed in the same, calm, casual manner. Neither partner should force their agenda. These topics are meant to be a guideline to help facilitate a conversation.
1. Do you want kids, and why?
We are going to start with the most basic of questions that I have actually seen get completely overlooked. Sometimes it’s just assumed that having kids is the “next step”. It’s not!
Have a real conversation on just this simple topic. Ideally this would have been discussed at length prior to a committed relationship, i.e. marriage. Whether it was or wasn’t though, plans, feelings and thoughts change. So, have this conversation now.
2. What fears do you have if you have kids, and if you don’t have kids?
It’s good to look at both sides of this discussion, even if you wholeheartedly believe you do (or don’t) want kids. And it’s okay to have fears!
Have open discussions with your spouse about their fears. Discuss what frightens you if you have kids, as well as what frightens you if you don’t have kids. You may be surprised by your own thoughts once you begin verbalizing them with your partner.
It’s also important to remember that there are no wrong answers. These discussions are meant to help open the dialog on having kids.
3. What do your finances look like with and without kids?
Financial struggles in any relationship can have major consequences to the health of the relationship. It’s important to have an open discussion about your finances. Simply, can you afford to have kids and be happy with the result?
Can you pay for daycare? Can someone stay home with the baby? For how long? What sacrifices would have to be made in order to have kids? Are you both ok with that? What changes could be made to help the end goal?
4. What do your career goals look like?
It’s important for both partners to examine their career goals, not just now, but for the future as well.
Are you happy in your current job or is there a part of you thinking that maybe you’d like to change careers? Does that mean going back to school or taking a pay cut? Are you looking at furthering your career and plan to put in more hours, more traveling, or more time commitment? Does your job allow for part-time work, maternity / paternity leave?
No one answer is a deal breaker. Each question, each thought, is an area for discussion with your partner. It’s a topic to help you both get a clear idea of how you would live life, with or without kids.
5. What annoyances are there in your relationship currently?
If your first thought is, “Nothing. We are happily married.” I urge you to really think about this question. It’s highly unlikely that there is nothing that causes you stress, irritation, or annoyance in your marriage. Little nuances left quiet now can become major problems once you have kids.
For example, if your spouse never — makes dinner, grocery shops, cleans, does laundry, puts his/her shoes away, unloads the dishwasher, or any other thing. You may find it a bit irritating now but not that big of a deal because you have the freedom/time to do it after work, or before work, or on the weekend.
Or, what if your spouse always – – spends too much money, stays up too late, hangs out with friends every weekend, goes to every football game, takes forever to get ready, misplaces things, watches television after work, or always does something, that kind of irritates you. It may bother you now a bit, but really, who cares if he/she sits on the couch after work every night. You sit together so it’s okay.
What happens when you have kids? Those little nuances, those little stressors, they add up. Big time. Often couples feel like it’s the stressors of having a child that cause the friction. In reality, the stressors were already there, you just had the ability to ignore them. But when kids are present, that isn’t always the option. That’s why these discussions are so important to have before kids.
It’s important for both partners to have this conversation without blame or argument. Talk openly to each other about what’s important to you. If you really hate making dinner or absolutely need an hour after work, with or without kids, discuss how you can both make it work. What compromises are there or how can you make time for self-care for each of you.
If there are problems that need addressing or if you’re looking for help in communicating with your spouse, I urge you to consider marriage / couples counseling.
6. What makes you happy in your relationship and in life?
Luckily you don’t only have to discuss distressing topics! Have an open conversation about what brings you joy in your life as well as in your relationship prior to having kids. This topic can help you both to understand what you may not be willing to lose.
If vacations and your disposable income are a priority, can you make that work with kids? Discuss all the areas of your life that you both enjoy. And discuss what these areas look like with and without kids.
Discussions Regarding Needs and Wants Before Kids Matter
The discussions above are not an all inclusive list, but more of a jumping off point to use before having kids. These questions should get you started on understanding not just your partner’s point of view, but your own as well. You may want kids (or not) but your needs and wants do matter.
It’s important to attempt having a working framework of how life will look with kids. No one can map it out exactly, but you can get a better understanding of each partners needs when kids are present in a relationship.
If you know your spouse needs alone time after work, you may have to work around that. If your spouse needs financial security, you may have to figure out a way to make that work prior to having kids. No one area needs to be a deal breaker. Rather, talk about your feelings, your wants and your needs, and together you can make the best decision as a couple.
Marriage and Couples Counseling, Washington, PA Therapists
In couples counseling we work together to find the areas in your relationship that need work, and problem solve to find solutions.
If you are considering bringing children into your marriage and you aren’t sure if it’s right for you as a couple, counseling can help. The simple fact is, most couples could greatly benefit from marriage counseling at some point in their relationship.
Marriage counseling is a unique experience for each couple. My hope is that you can come in and feel heard, validated, and walk away with tips/ideas to help improve communication and problem solving going forward.
If you have any questions or would like to get to know us a little better, please call (724) 503-6670 or email us at admin@inthenowcounseling.org. You can also talk to us on Facebook and Instagram, too.
