I often talk about self-care. As a therapist, I know how important it is to practice self-care. But I think many people view self-care as a luxury for the single person. When you’re in a relationship, when you have kids, how in the world do you take time for you? I’m here to tell you that self-care in relationships is fundamental for lasting, happy, healthy relationships.
When you’re in a relationship, especially if you have kids, self-care isn’t a solo endeavor. While the activity itself may be solo (i.e. sleeping in), the actions it takes to get there require communication and cooperation from your partner (i.e. getting the kids dressed, fed, and lunches packed before you wake up).
If you’re thinking “My husband/wife would never agree to that”, it’s time to change not only your view point, but it’s time to change the way you communicate with your spouse, too.
How to Add Self-Care into Relationships
Self-care in relationships isn’t about wanting/needing to get away. In healthy relationships, self-care is about taking the necessary actions to be the best version of yourself for you and your family.
When you engage in “me time”, in an activity just for you, you are fulfilling your needs so you can be more present and attentive with your family. The trick here, that may be missing from some relationships, is that “me time” goes both ways. This is self-care in relationships.
How does it work? Let’s take a look – –
Each person needs to communicate with themself (i.e. What do I need to feel like “me”, to feel fulfilled?) and communicate those needs with their parter (i.e. I need to sleep in so when I wake the kids are ready for the day and I can hit the ground running with bus stops, drop offs, and then get to work on time myself).
In conjunction, your spouse has needs that need to be met as well (i.e What do I need to feel like “me,” to feel fulfilled?). He would communicate that back (i.e I need a break. I need time alone after work so when I get home I am more relaxed and can jump in and play with the kids.).
When each partner’s needs and wants are communicated, you can form a plan together. When each partner can fulfill himself/herself as a “me,” when you are together, you’ll be a better “we”.
The self-care is there and present. For one partner, it’s sleeping in and not having to tackle the kids morning routine. For the other, it’s going out after work to unwind. It’s a simple give and take that oftentimes in relationships gets very muddy.
Self-Care in Healthy Relationships
Self-care in relationships shouldn’t be viewed as an obstacle. In actuality, it’s part of a balanced and healthy relationship.
Self-care is more than spa days days and nail appointments. Self-care helps you to be your most authentic you. Each partner in a relationship/marriage should have a solid sense of self. You can get lost in marriage, parenthood, working, household care – – life. It’s important to work on you. It’s important to take time for you. Having a strong sense of “me” can lead to a more fulfilling “we”.
As with most important functions, you need to prioritize and plan. Talk to your partner and work out a system so each of you have “me” time. If you need time out, schedule it!
A healthy relationship will always include time for you and your needs and interests. While the demands of daily life can make prioritizing self-care difficult, it is always worth the effort. You matter. And your relationship matters.
Couples Counseling in Washington, PA
Life and time have a way of passing by whether you’re aware of it or not. You may find you’ve lost your sense of self entirely.
Do you feel guilt over your time away? When you are away, is your joy diminished because of worry over what’s happening at home without you? When you attempt to “ask” for time alone, are you met with fighting, anger, or resentment from you partner?
Self-care in relationships shouldn’t be an escape from a bad situation. Self-care should help you to reconnect to you. You matter. Make time for you.
Marriage/couples counseling is a great place to start. While couples counseling is extremely helpful when both partners are willing to go, it is not the only way to help your relationship.
In individual therapy, we can work on ways to approach problems in your marriage that will help you. We can work on ways to improve your communication so you are heard, understood, and subsequently, feel empowered.
If you are struggling to be heard, to get time alone, or if you’ve lost your sense of self, please call (724) 503-6670 or email us at admin@inthenowcounseling.org.
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