Relationships are hard work, as we know. Whether it’s romantic, work, parent, or any other type of relationship, it’s imperative to ask for what you really want.
It may seem like you shouldn’t have to spell out, especially in a romantic relationship, what you want or expect. But when we don’t state clearly how we feel and what actions we want to see, we can be left feeling bitter, resentful, and angry.
We are All Wired Differently
What’s obvious to you may not be so obvious to another. It may not even register to them! As we are all wired differently, it’s vital to communicate our needs and expectations to get what we want.
Years ago, a friend of mine told me how her husband would walk right past a clean, folded basket of laundry that she had placed at the bottom of steps. She had already collected the dirty laundry from her 3 story house, washed, dried and folded it. She would leave it at the bottom of the steps to be taken up the next time she, or anyone else, went upstairs.
Her husband, and teenage son for that matter, would walk by the laundry basket every single time. She grew more and more bitter that they never helped. However, she never voiced what she expected of them or how it made her feel when they walked past that laundry.
So many of us make this same mistake over and over. And it’s usually not just one little thing. It could be lots of little things, or one or two big things.
You Get What You Tolerate | Ask for What You Really Want
You get what you tolerate. But you deserve better. Don’t downplay what you want. Know your worth and ask for it!
Use these three simple steps to ask for what you really want:
Use words, not behavior, to ask for what you really want.
So often we feel like those around us, especially loved ones, should know what we want. They don’t! Use your voice and be direct to ask for what you really want. Don’t fall back on moods or behavior to convey your disappointment in their lack of “getting it”.
Passive aggressive behavior is not the answer either. Don’t say “How do you think that clean laundry gets upstairs?”
Be direct and matter of fact. Try to remain calm and present in the situation. Remember that you matter. Your feelings matter. You could say “I feel unappreciated when you walk right past the clean laundry on the steps. When there is clean, folded laundry in a basket, I need you to carry it upstairs”.
You stated your feelings and the actions you want to see from this point on. In a healthy, equal and loving relationship, your partner will respond with a positive response and will work to ensure this situation never becomes a problem.
Don’t ask for less than what you really want.
You are growing more bitter each passing week that the laundry is left unseen. If you look inside yourself, is that the whole of it? Do you really want the laundry brought to the top of steps or is there more? Are you happy (or content) to wash, dry, fold but you hate putting away other people’s clothes? If you want more, ask for it!
Instead of “Can you please bring the laundry upstairs when you see it?” tell your partner the whole truth.
“I feel unappreciated when you walk right past the clean laundry on the steps. When there is clean, folded laundry in a basket, I need you to carry it upstairs and then put it where it belongs. If it’s sheets or towels, they go in the appropriate closet. If clothes, put them in the appropriate closet/dresser. I have no problem washing, drying, folding, but I’d like your help in getting them upstairs and put away properly”.
In a healthy relationship, your needs should be met. So don’t downplay what you want. Ask for it! You can save yourself years of bitterness by communicating your needs.
Don’t feel guilt when you ask for what you want.
You matter. Plain and simple. The more you give to others, the more you need to take for you.
If the give and take in a relationship is unbalanced, you’ll eventually burn out. You run the risk of becoming a shell of your former self. You may not even recognize yourself and may be left wondering how you got here.
Please don’t feel guilty when you have needs. You’re human. We all have needs and in a healthy relationship, those needs can be met with open communication. Ask and see what happens! But forgo the guilt.
Therapy for Women in Canonsburg, PA
We can get run down in the expectations of life, especially as caregivers. If you’ve been putting yourself last, it can seem like there is no hope for change. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Ask for what you really want and see changes unfold around you. After all, you may actually get what you want!
If you have any questions or would like to get to know me a little better, please call (724) 503-6670 or email me at admin@inthenowcounseling.org.
